[ he feels that, the way kaeya holds him in the way that he's afraid that very well might happen. roman lies awake at night thinking the same, how either of them could disappear with a blink. he allows it, and even presses closer, showing that he doesn't plan on going anywhere by tucking his face into his neck, finding his other hand and lacing their fingers together. he loves him. ]

Yeah.

[ he mumbles. ]

It is, actually.

Because what's my life going to be like without him but miserable. [ he looks up ] Without you. Maybe that's suffering that's worse than death because at least my final minutes would be with you instead of alone, wondering wherever the fuck you... he...

[ his breath catches and his face is burning. he can feel emotion at the edges of his eyes and he steels himself the way he does when he's panicked on a mission. he wants to drag his thumb along his blade, wants to feel the soft prick of it, spindle to finger like he can put the panicked part of him to sleep. ]

You're being fucking selfish.

You just take the choice away and think it's right and what are you except both alone in the end?

[ he holds tighter, and his voice dies, unfinished almost. ]