pararomantic | 💎 noctium

Don't be sorry - I love you.

[a bit of a sardonic smile as he tries to work through his own logic and roman's. honestly, it makes sense to him that he'd stay away for diluc's protection. his own happiness doesn't matter - it never mattered. all that does matter is mondstadt and everyone in it. and kaeya will do whatever it takes to protect their smiles.

he leans back as well, bumping shoulders with roman.]

But I'm not sure I do get it. [said softly, because, well. he can kinda understand where the guy that left roman is coming from? especially if he did it to protect roman. like honestly fuck you sir for leaving roman so broken about this, but also thank you at the same time because kaeya got to meet this wonderful man?]

The way I see it, everything about you is worth protecting. Say that you and this man had stayed together. You have a wonderful time and make precious memories. What happens if whatever he's trying to protect you from is so overwhelming, gets you when you're not looking, overpowers you with numbers, and you... die?

[he curls an arm over roman, as if the very thought of it is simply too much to handle.]

What are those memories worth if you're not alive in the end? Trust only goes so far when facing who knows what.

[ he feels that, the way kaeya holds him in the way that he's afraid that very well might happen. roman lies awake at night thinking the same, how either of them could disappear with a blink. he allows it, and even presses closer, showing that he doesn't plan on going anywhere by tucking his face into his neck, finding his other hand and lacing their fingers together. he loves him. ]

Yeah.

[ he mumbles. ]

It is, actually.

Because what's my life going to be like without him but miserable. [ he looks up ] Without you. Maybe that's suffering that's worse than death because at least my final minutes would be with you instead of alone, wondering wherever the fuck you... he...

[ his breath catches and his face is burning. he can feel emotion at the edges of his eyes and he steels himself the way he does when he's panicked on a mission. he wants to drag his thumb along his blade, wants to feel the soft prick of it, spindle to finger like he can put the panicked part of him to sleep. ]

You're being fucking selfish.

You just take the choice away and think it's right and what are you except both alone in the end?

[ he holds tighter, and his voice dies, unfinished almost. ]

[kaeya is silent for a bit, running his thumb over roman's hand in thought. he doesn't get offended that roman calls him selfish - it's true, after all. every single word of what roman says is true. he turns and presses a kiss to roman's head, bracing a cold hand against his heated face. he never, ever wants to make roman cry, but he's afraid this conversation will do just that.]

You're not wrong about that.

[a mirthless chuckle.]

But- I've got you, right? And I'll always have you, even when we leave this world.

[a hilariously accurate statement, since they'll both be "dead" and stuck in a simulation but you know he doesn't quite know that yet.

just as he doesn't quite see his codependence on roman, grasping for and clinging onto the only person who's known his whole story and still accepted him. the only person who would still love him as a snail. he'd do anything, anything for roman (well, except talking to diluc, hilariously the only thing roman would ever ask of him to do) with little to no questions asked.

as long as he has roman, it's okay if he has no one else, right???]

...Right?

[ kaeya's hand is cool and he leans into it willingly, turning his lips into it to press into the chilled, callused skin of his palm. kaeya makes him sick inside in all the best ways that being in love makes you. every day is a constant test of his ability not to vomit all over his shoes in love. disgusting. but he wouldn't want it any other way, not with kaeya.

when he says that he has him, he just gives a quiet nod, half-hearted. it's true, it's more than true.

but when he says it again he has to place a hand on his knuckles. ]

Yes, of course you do.

[ his grip tightens. ]

I'm sorry. [ i'm scared. ]

But I think you're making a mistake... pushing him away still. Especially here.

[this is perhaps the hardest choice kaeya's ever had to make. and he wonders, for a brief moment, if maybe he shouldn't have gotten involved with anyone to avoid this very scenario. but that thought is quickly tossed out, because the happiness he's experienced with roman is unparalleled. he wouldn't trade it for anything.

but the choice between telling diluc and hurting the one he loves is. difficult, even soothed as he is with roman's confirmation and validation. he's anxious, he realizes. anxious because he knows how to make this right - knows how to wipe that look off roman's face - but isn't sure if it's the right choice for him. he's caught at an impasse, a fork in the road.

a careful, measured breath.]

Don't be sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. You're- [it pains him a little to admit this but-] -absolutely right.

[he brings roman's hands up to rest his forehead against them. another measured breath.]

I don't- I don't know if I can talk to him, even knowing that. But I can promise to think about it.

If you're thinking about it then... that's good enough for me. It's a start.

[ roman has his own issues, but they aren't here, so he refuses to put them at the forefront because he can truly ignore them. out of sight, out of mind. he instead presses closer and after kaeya has had a moment to breathe, he shifts to hold his face in his hands. ]

I care a lot about you, you know that, right?

[ he strokes his thumbs gently along his cheeks like he's thinking, his eyes glancing downwards. ]

You get a lot of parts of me that not a lot of people back home understand. As long as I get the job done, they usually don't really care much for the follow up. But you know what that's like. And you know how easy it is to start to shut people out because of that...

[ he pulls him down, kissing his forehead gently, slipping fingers underneath his eyepatch string and nudging it away slowly so he can kiss his eyelid. ]

I just want you to be happy, Kae... and I don't want you to have any regrets.

[KAEYA KNOWS YOU'RE IGNORING YOUR OWN ISSUES, ROMAN. but he doesn't bring them up, because this is not some kind of competition, and he knows roman's past is full of his own trauma and things that'll be difficult to confront. all kaeya can do is be there for him when he needs it.]

Yes... I know.

[a quiet, gentle smile as he holds roman close, taking comfort in his warmth, his weight. at least if he does go through with this... he'll have roman at the end of the day. he'll always, always have roman.

he nods, because that's one of the many reasons why kaeya likes roman as well. the quiet understanding. not needing to explain themselves to each other, because they already get it.]

I am happy. Just- maybe not that part of my life. [a laugh.] But- as long as I have you with me to support me, I can try to make it better. For myself, and so you don't have to look so concerned for me.

[he presses against the wrinkle between roman's brows with a laugh.]

[ we can talk about my issues... uh... at a later date!!!!!!!!!! ]

It takes two... so like... this isn't just on you, but it's also on him for understanding. Okay? Make sure you've spoken only the truth, and that he listens very carefully.

[ he pushes a bit of kaeya's hair back behind his ear, lingering with a fondness in his touch that indicates that he understands that what he's asking of him is... difficult. ]

I think you'll both benefit from it... besides. I wanna meet him. This is totally selfish on my part too.

[ gently, he kisses kaeya right on the nose. ]

Mm. [depending on when kaeya catches diluc, it'll be a russian roulette on whether he'll be in the mood to hear kaeya out of not. but if just explaining kaeya's side of the story is all it will take, well... kaeya hopes that diluc will think it's a crock of shit and spit on him anyway. that way kaeya can clear his conscious and keep diluc safe!

he has a feeling it's not going to play out like that, though. diluc surely has his own hangups regarding kaeya's actions, but kaeya sees his big brother tendencies emerge from time to time. but kaeya can hope.]

I want you to meet him, too. He's the only family I have left. It's the closest you'll get to meeting the parents. [a small huff of a laugh. he pulls roman so close that he can't see him anymore, face buried in roman's neck, limbs just splayed every which way on the couch.] I want the two most important people in my life to meet. One day.

💎 noctium — ic contact

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