pararomantic | 💎 noctium

[his cheeks are smooshed!! oi, you're supposed to be comforting him, roman!!!

he pouts, making him look very young and petulant. but he forgives roman this time before he's receiving roman lore crumbs. honestly, kaeya would much rather talk about roman than himself, because they're two fucking clowns who want to avoid talking about themselves at all costs.]

Oh yeah? Was he handsome like me?

[ he is comforting him!

and kaeya is already young! he's like. 23. and roman is 29. you see? baby baby baby, let him treat you like a baby. but in any case, roman gives pause and seems to hesitate just a little about divulging anymore. the actual and way better he-who-must-not-be-named burns his tongue like too hot coffee, scalds the roof of his mouth, sets fire to his insides. ]

If I'm being honest? He was beautiful.

[ he presses his lips together into a thin line. ]

We went to school together, to prepare for HAUNT. Like I said. I used to climb this huge tree next to his dorm window at night, beg him to let me in because I hated my roommate. He'd scold me for forgetting my shoes or not braiding my hair so sticks wouldn't get in it. After yelling at me, he'd just brush it out, braid it. He'd wash my feet after I ran around barefoot, climbing trees... wouldn't let me get in his bed without making sure I was clean. And he'd hold me and we'd just... talk. About everything. The world. His awful mom.

[ he winces ] Terrible mom, actually... met her once. Hated me.

[ roman resists the urge to curl a finger in his hair now. it's longer, and he should probably find a barber or an electric razor, but he weirdly enough doesn't care that much lately.

hair aside, he pulls kaeya by his hands, guides him to flop down on the couch with him. if he's going to talk, then he needs to sit because truthfully, the thought of carmine makes his entire body go up in flames—rage and some private, personal ache at his core. ]

I know he was pushing me away that day he fucked me over on our exam just so he could run almost five thousand fucking miles away from me without so much as a goodbye. I don't know why, but I know there had to be some reason. Maybe it was me, maybe it wasn't. But at the end of the day, I don't care why he decided to do that, to just try and break everything we had. It hurts. I wish he'd just tell me. And then I wish he'd have let me have a say instead of making that decision for me. To break everything.

[ he looks away a second, somewhere far off outside that window. ]

You get it?

Edited 2022-05-01 16:20 (UTC)

[oh shit, it's roman lore time he guesses. he didn't think he'd ever be getting his lore - roman and he were built similarly, putting on charming personas but never letting anyone get closer than arm's length. but somehow they found each other anyway and became close, let each other find comfort in each other. kaeya has never and will never take roman's trust in him for granted, and it looks like that's paid off with some lore.

kaeya curls around roman, ever the cuddly, clingy one when no one's looking. he listens carefully, cringes because... wow, they've really grown up somewhat similarly too, huh? a close friendship forged, only for it to be ripped away. the difference is that kaeya was at fault for his, whereas roman's done nothing wrong.

when roman finishes, kaeya gives him a little peck.]

Hm, what's with these guys traveling the world just so they can get away from us?

[another peck - this time on his head, his signature spot. boyfriend privileges and all that, which he's fully taken advantage of even before they'd started dated. and doesn't ever plan to stop.]

I get it. Thank you for telling me, Roman. You didn't have to... and I appreciate the trust.

[ yeah well, the lore comes because something needs to be said about this whole thing. it's weird. roman can see, just a bit of diluc's perspective. being thrust away from someone else. and while he doesn't know carmine's precise reasons, while they could be that he doesn't give a shit about him anymore, something tells him it's not quite that. roman reaches for his own wrist quietly, and for a heartbeat, he feels like he's in the bucket seat of the maserati again. a second of blinding heat, a snap at his wrist and nothing there.

the car going up in flames.

sutter and saxon screaming.

he was ready to burn alive. it'd be fitting, wouldn't it? carmine always threatened to it himself, so why not just go out with a bang? a real one? but instead of death he felt nothing on the parry forward as the jinx took hold. the flames felt warm as summer, like something inside of him had fanned out over his skin—ash and orchid, a funeral on fire—keeping it more friend than foe could ever be. ]

It's about trust, isn't it? The trust to believe that someone knows exactly what they want, even if you think that leaving is the best course of action?

[ did he do something to me? he asks himself quietly.

frozen in time, carmine's fingers around his wrist. he stares at him.

it's the first time he's touched him since... god knows when. his black, leather gloves warm against his skin.

"what is it?"

carmine releases him, practically pushes his wrist back at him.

"nothing. get out of my car." ]

Now the running away is on them entirely, but pushing people away thinking you're saving them. That's... that's not right. [ carmine probably did it because he hated him, but god if he doesn't know that kaeya's aching ] It's not the way. Doesn't fix anything. Hurts more than it helps.

So I'll ask again. Do you get it?

[ he doesn't squander the kiss on the head, the question is just true. do you understand? he turns, making it very clear he doesn't want kaeya to go anywhere. he holds his face and thumbs at his cheeks.

he presses their foreheads together carefully from where kaeya has curled so fast around him. he refuses to let him go, tangles them. please don't run away from me too. you'll never be a mistake in my book. ]

[kaeya just holds roman as he sinks into a place kaeya cannot currently reach, somewhere secret and private. kaeya can only be there for him when he returns from that dark headspace, one he's familiar with all too well. he can only hope his touch is enough - and if it isn't, that he can at least provide the metaphorical balm for the pain the place brings. because that's all this is, isn't it? they can't heal each other completely, but they can be there for support. and sometimes support is all you're asking for.

but he blinks when roman asks him again.

huh...?

he is very rarely caught off guard. as a man who thinks of all the possibilities before he acts, rarely does something happen that he does not expect. only he's stopped his precalculations with roman a long time ago and instead lived in the moment. lived in their feelings. and now it's biting him in the ass and if this weren't such a serious conversation he'd pinch him for it. how dare you!]

I- [he's immediately on the defensive, wanting to separate himself from this other guy who hurt the love of his life so badly. and also so badly not wanting them to come to the conclusion that he needs to properly talk to diluc. they've talked, it ended in disaster, and so kaeya can mark it off as 'an attempt was made.' right?] -it's different.

[how is it different how is it different how is it different

how is it different?

he could probably break from roman's hold, but he doesn't want to (damn it, why's he so in love with this guy). but the eye contact is too overwhelming, and he feels exposed in a way that is unique to roman. the true roman experience. he looks downward instead, unable to bring himself to maintain it.]

He could die. Because of me.

So you assume that little of him?

[ roman's brows draw tightly together. ]

You think you're the only one that can protect him? Because if this is something bigger, Kae... you're not. Even if we're here. Is it worth it to keep pushing him away? What's it going to do but hurt you both?

[ his eyes look almost far-off, and for a moment, roman swears he doesn't see kaeya and he has to let go. this isn't about himself. it's not about him at all, but his body is shaking inside. he knows this is kaeya and only kaeya and still, he leans back where he sits and gazes downwards at his knees with a hard look. ]

Sorry. I know it's none of my business, but I can't not say anything.

[ he turns then, to look kaeya in the eye. ]

He left me, and he'll never tell me why. And I have to stare at him... day in and day out... and wonder what part of me wasn't worth keeping. What part he thought he couldn't trust. Do you get it now?

Edited 2022-05-10 14:25 (UTC)

Don't be sorry - I love you.

[a bit of a sardonic smile as he tries to work through his own logic and roman's. honestly, it makes sense to him that he'd stay away for diluc's protection. his own happiness doesn't matter - it never mattered. all that does matter is mondstadt and everyone in it. and kaeya will do whatever it takes to protect their smiles.

he leans back as well, bumping shoulders with roman.]

But I'm not sure I do get it. [said softly, because, well. he can kinda understand where the guy that left roman is coming from? especially if he did it to protect roman. like honestly fuck you sir for leaving roman so broken about this, but also thank you at the same time because kaeya got to meet this wonderful man?]

The way I see it, everything about you is worth protecting. Say that you and this man had stayed together. You have a wonderful time and make precious memories. What happens if whatever he's trying to protect you from is so overwhelming, gets you when you're not looking, overpowers you with numbers, and you... die?

[he curls an arm over roman, as if the very thought of it is simply too much to handle.]

What are those memories worth if you're not alive in the end? Trust only goes so far when facing who knows what.

[ he feels that, the way kaeya holds him in the way that he's afraid that very well might happen. roman lies awake at night thinking the same, how either of them could disappear with a blink. he allows it, and even presses closer, showing that he doesn't plan on going anywhere by tucking his face into his neck, finding his other hand and lacing their fingers together. he loves him. ]

Yeah.

[ he mumbles. ]

It is, actually.

Because what's my life going to be like without him but miserable. [ he looks up ] Without you. Maybe that's suffering that's worse than death because at least my final minutes would be with you instead of alone, wondering wherever the fuck you... he...

[ his breath catches and his face is burning. he can feel emotion at the edges of his eyes and he steels himself the way he does when he's panicked on a mission. he wants to drag his thumb along his blade, wants to feel the soft prick of it, spindle to finger like he can put the panicked part of him to sleep. ]

You're being fucking selfish.

You just take the choice away and think it's right and what are you except both alone in the end?

[ he holds tighter, and his voice dies, unfinished almost. ]

[kaeya is silent for a bit, running his thumb over roman's hand in thought. he doesn't get offended that roman calls him selfish - it's true, after all. every single word of what roman says is true. he turns and presses a kiss to roman's head, bracing a cold hand against his heated face. he never, ever wants to make roman cry, but he's afraid this conversation will do just that.]

You're not wrong about that.

[a mirthless chuckle.]

But- I've got you, right? And I'll always have you, even when we leave this world.

[a hilariously accurate statement, since they'll both be "dead" and stuck in a simulation but you know he doesn't quite know that yet.

just as he doesn't quite see his codependence on roman, grasping for and clinging onto the only person who's known his whole story and still accepted him. the only person who would still love him as a snail. he'd do anything, anything for roman (well, except talking to diluc, hilariously the only thing roman would ever ask of him to do) with little to no questions asked.

as long as he has roman, it's okay if he has no one else, right???]

...Right?

[ kaeya's hand is cool and he leans into it willingly, turning his lips into it to press into the chilled, callused skin of his palm. kaeya makes him sick inside in all the best ways that being in love makes you. every day is a constant test of his ability not to vomit all over his shoes in love. disgusting. but he wouldn't want it any other way, not with kaeya.

when he says that he has him, he just gives a quiet nod, half-hearted. it's true, it's more than true.

but when he says it again he has to place a hand on his knuckles. ]

Yes, of course you do.

[ his grip tightens. ]

I'm sorry. [ i'm scared. ]

But I think you're making a mistake... pushing him away still. Especially here.

[this is perhaps the hardest choice kaeya's ever had to make. and he wonders, for a brief moment, if maybe he shouldn't have gotten involved with anyone to avoid this very scenario. but that thought is quickly tossed out, because the happiness he's experienced with roman is unparalleled. he wouldn't trade it for anything.

but the choice between telling diluc and hurting the one he loves is. difficult, even soothed as he is with roman's confirmation and validation. he's anxious, he realizes. anxious because he knows how to make this right - knows how to wipe that look off roman's face - but isn't sure if it's the right choice for him. he's caught at an impasse, a fork in the road.

a careful, measured breath.]

Don't be sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. You're- [it pains him a little to admit this but-] -absolutely right.

[he brings roman's hands up to rest his forehead against them. another measured breath.]

I don't- I don't know if I can talk to him, even knowing that. But I can promise to think about it.

If you're thinking about it then... that's good enough for me. It's a start.

[ roman has his own issues, but they aren't here, so he refuses to put them at the forefront because he can truly ignore them. out of sight, out of mind. he instead presses closer and after kaeya has had a moment to breathe, he shifts to hold his face in his hands. ]

I care a lot about you, you know that, right?

[ he strokes his thumbs gently along his cheeks like he's thinking, his eyes glancing downwards. ]

You get a lot of parts of me that not a lot of people back home understand. As long as I get the job done, they usually don't really care much for the follow up. But you know what that's like. And you know how easy it is to start to shut people out because of that...

[ he pulls him down, kissing his forehead gently, slipping fingers underneath his eyepatch string and nudging it away slowly so he can kiss his eyelid. ]

I just want you to be happy, Kae... and I don't want you to have any regrets.

[KAEYA KNOWS YOU'RE IGNORING YOUR OWN ISSUES, ROMAN. but he doesn't bring them up, because this is not some kind of competition, and he knows roman's past is full of his own trauma and things that'll be difficult to confront. all kaeya can do is be there for him when he needs it.]

Yes... I know.

[a quiet, gentle smile as he holds roman close, taking comfort in his warmth, his weight. at least if he does go through with this... he'll have roman at the end of the day. he'll always, always have roman.

he nods, because that's one of the many reasons why kaeya likes roman as well. the quiet understanding. not needing to explain themselves to each other, because they already get it.]

I am happy. Just- maybe not that part of my life. [a laugh.] But- as long as I have you with me to support me, I can try to make it better. For myself, and so you don't have to look so concerned for me.

[he presses against the wrinkle between roman's brows with a laugh.]

[ we can talk about my issues... uh... at a later date!!!!!!!!!! ]

It takes two... so like... this isn't just on you, but it's also on him for understanding. Okay? Make sure you've spoken only the truth, and that he listens very carefully.

[ he pushes a bit of kaeya's hair back behind his ear, lingering with a fondness in his touch that indicates that he understands that what he's asking of him is... difficult. ]

I think you'll both benefit from it... besides. I wanna meet him. This is totally selfish on my part too.

[ gently, he kisses kaeya right on the nose. ]

Mm. [depending on when kaeya catches diluc, it'll be a russian roulette on whether he'll be in the mood to hear kaeya out of not. but if just explaining kaeya's side of the story is all it will take, well... kaeya hopes that diluc will think it's a crock of shit and spit on him anyway. that way kaeya can clear his conscious and keep diluc safe!

he has a feeling it's not going to play out like that, though. diluc surely has his own hangups regarding kaeya's actions, but kaeya sees his big brother tendencies emerge from time to time. but kaeya can hope.]

I want you to meet him, too. He's the only family I have left. It's the closest you'll get to meeting the parents. [a small huff of a laugh. he pulls roman so close that he can't see him anymore, face buried in roman's neck, limbs just splayed every which way on the couch.] I want the two most important people in my life to meet. One day.

💎 noctium — ic contact

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